Belgian Static

The description of the campsite, Manoir de la Bas, proved correct in two respects, and entirely ill-founded in a more important one. The ACSI blurb was right, the place is set in the 'beautiful grounds of a 17th Century manor offering a spacious 20 hectare campsite, quiet and undisturbed'.

Gills more searching analysis proved spot on too, fishing ponds were central to the Manoir de Bas experience, and an interest in the quality of the sanitary arrangements which seemed to loom large in many a Belgian campsite description was later shown to be an aspect which we too should have considered more fully.   

But first, the important omission. The tourer's campsite, with maybe 40 pitches, is set in acres of wooded grounds; what the ACSI book fails to mention is that the space is shared with well in excess of 100 static caravans. At least these are sited imaginatively among the trees, not in serried rows like in North Wales or on the South Coast. However, it's not the caravans themselves which make the place seem more than a little odd, but their occupants. No wonder the blurb mentions the quietness, a good few of the statics' owners seemed positively catatonic, wandering about vacantly as if  inadvertently left behind by a zombie flash mob who had long since moved on. There is no direct way to illustrate this, but this tribe, thankfully, provides artefacts and effigies aplenty to satisfy the curiosity of the most ardent amateur anthropologist. Welcome to the strange and unexplored world of Belgian static caravan pitch decoration.

1. Common (or garden) gnome obsession.

The effigy of the gnome occurs in many Static tribal cultures, not just in Belgium, but across Western Europe. Gill is of the view that such cultural crossover has resulted in a deterioration in gnome iconography. She is very insistent about what constitutes correct gnome representation:

a. A maximum height of 12"

b. full white beard, pointy, but not wispy.

c. ruddy cheeks.

d. blue dungarees, a jacket is considered an effete addition.

e. black boots

f. hat, red or blue, pointy, but well worn and crumpled.

g. unsmiling  demeanour, gnomes are serious creatures and not to be trifled with.

h. They look solid, and hazardous to kick (plastic is a no no).

i) A fishing rod is optional, but only really acceptable if the gnome effigy is sat beside a real pond with live goldfish.

j. Toadstools are an anathema, associated with pixie culture and as such entirely inappropriate to gnomic values.

As can be noted, the gnome observed above contravenes these conventions in numerous respects, not least in its gigantic proportions and friendly expression.

2. Plastic pastoralism - a yearning to return to the simplicities of a peasant existence, without the attendant risks of imminent starvation or bubonic plague, underlies much Static tribal lore and ceremonial imagery. Here the Static owners have chosen to decorate their postage stamp size pitch with a large plastic cow, recalling imagery sacred to many cultures from Hindi to Minoan.

3. An alternative to the sacred cow image is what might be termed veneration of the neo-Bambi cute. This involves placing some doe-eyed creatures of woodland extraction around your static pitch in order to provoke spasms of extreme sentiment in passers-by. Shamanistic practice in many tribal cultures results in achieving states of transcendent, or  higher consciousness. In Static tribal belief this is known as 'the utterly kitch'.

 Fundamental to this state is that adherents must be completely oblivious to having achieved it. Only outsiders to the tribe can note it, usually by being unexpectedly overcome by a sudden need to snigger.

4. Ghastly figurines - very peculiar this one. It is difficult to comprehend the mind of the person who decided to cheer-up his Belgian sacred spot with effigies of Stan and Ollie in various shapes, sizes and poses. What's that all about? A celebration of being 'pals'or the evocation of mishap... who knows!  

Next up - waltzing children add a chintzy touch to a caravan picture window, in the background the intrigued and delighted on- looker!

Finally, Bungaloid Nirvana - admittedly this oriental themed patch showed a modicum of design skill in the planting. In truth it contravened a key tenet of Static culture by being almost tasteful. Perhaps a helpful neighbour will improve it by slipping in one night and surreptitiously adding a gnome or two. Even here, you are faced with the question - why? I cannot imagine the owner having embraced the Orient with more vigour than lighting the occasional patchouli scented candle or suffering under the misapprehension that the monthly reflexology session is actually relieving a propensity to haemorrhoids .

And then, we come to the issue of the insanitary facilities here... No, I've ranted enough, you can imagine...